"What are you running from Tom?" It was only a simple light-hearted comment from a work colleague but one that got me thinking.
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| Finishing the Cardiff 5k. Thanks to Paul Stillman for the picture |
The obvious answer is that I am running from my M.E, as with most things in life though it's not as simple as this.
That was definitely the case when I first started running, the only reason I was doing it was because of my M.E. I saw running as the cure, the antidote, the thing that I had to do to try and get better. In my mind the longer and faster I ran the more I could say I was beating the M.E, putting distance between the illness and myself.
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| Racing the M.E ghost |
It was like playing a racing game on the PlayStation. Once you have put in a lap a ghost appears showing you that time. Every lap after that you are racing a previous version of yourself. The M.E is that ghost, it's the former version of myself sitting there waiting to swallow me up and overtake me if I get things wrong. The further and faster I run the more I can shake it out of my slipstream. It's always there though, it never leaves the rear view mirror. It just sits their lumbering along at a constant pace following you like a zombie, waiting for you to make a mistake and slip back into its dense fog. There's a scene at the start of the film Zombieland where one of the rules to stay alive and out of the clutches of the undead is to work on your cardio. This is also one of my rules for staying ahead of my M.E. The more I improve my cardio, the further I can run and the more distance and time I can buy myself.
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| Cardio: Rule number 1 for staying ahead of the M.E Zombie |
Of course I can't stay ahead every lap, on the bad days it's like I’ve spun off into the gravel. I can only sit there helplessly trying to get going again as the hazy M.E version of myself looms into view on the horizon, gradually hunting me down. This happens every few weeks. I get to the stage where the tiredness builds up and I can no longer control it. The inevitable crash happens and the M.E once again catches up with me. On these days I just have to admit failure. After some rest the only way to deal with this is to dust myself off, start a new lap and try to buy myself some time again.
This was how it was in the beginning. I was racing the M.E, desperately trying to use running to keep ahead of it. The pleasure I gained from the sport was not from the actual running itself, it was from outrunning the M.E. I could start to see it fade into the background, feel the faint shoots of progress and begin to realise I could have control over my illness.
Gradually things started to change. I stopped looking over my shoulder and started looking ahead. I found myself going for a run because I wanted to, not because it was something I had to do to combat the M.E. I had started to enjoy the sensations and feelings that running gave me.
I would give myself times, goals for certain races, eighteen minutes for 5k, a thirty eight minute 10k or in the case of the marathon three hours. My training runs have become about working towards these, about looking to the future, trying to better myself, trying to beat a new ghost, one that is a future, faster version of me. I can see that ghost standing at the finish line, I can see what I want to become and what I want to achieve. It gives me something to work towards, something to attain.
This was how it was in the beginning. I was racing the M.E, desperately trying to use running to keep ahead of it. The pleasure I gained from the sport was not from the actual running itself, it was from outrunning the M.E. I could start to see it fade into the background, feel the faint shoots of progress and begin to realise I could have control over my illness.
Gradually things started to change. I stopped looking over my shoulder and started looking ahead. I found myself going for a run because I wanted to, not because it was something I had to do to combat the M.E. I had started to enjoy the sensations and feelings that running gave me.
I would give myself times, goals for certain races, eighteen minutes for 5k, a thirty eight minute 10k or in the case of the marathon three hours. My training runs have become about working towards these, about looking to the future, trying to better myself, trying to beat a new ghost, one that is a future, faster version of me. I can see that ghost standing at the finish line, I can see what I want to become and what I want to achieve. It gives me something to work towards, something to attain.
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| This weeks training included a run along Bournemouth beach and around Sandbanks with my sister Clare |
I still can’t completely forget about the M.E though. Lizzie Hawker writes in her book Runner about being scared of falling back into the comfort zone. I have the same fear. I'm terrified that if I stop I will fall back into the tiredness and it will take over again, ruling my life. By running I continue away from that, no matter how hard it is to get out of the door, no matter how tired I feel, I have to keep moving, I must keep on running. I think this will always remain as one of my motivations for running. It will always be the process that can help me fight the tiredness.
Is there a finish line to my race with M.E? Probably not. It's taken me many years to accept this, that one day I won't just wake up and miraculously have banished those tired demons. No I think I will always probably have an element of tiredness in my life but I can cope with it. Running has helped me cope. It has given me the disciplines and structures in place to deal with the fatigue but I have to keep on moving as I know what will happen when I stop.
The M.E is the reason I started to run, it is one of the reasons I am still running but by setting myself goals and targets I have changed the main objective for my running. No longer is the primary focus to keep the M.E at bay, it is to work towards the times I’ve put up there in big shiny lights. It is to achieve those goals and to see how far I can push myself as a runner.
These targets have either been achieved or in the case of trying to get a 1.30 half just missed by 10 seconds. The misses have just made me more determined, the successes mean that new goals are set and a new version of myself has to be built to try and achieve them. With each success new targets are set and the cycle goes on, I try to challenge myself with times I'm not sure are possible.
Is there a finish line to my race with M.E? Probably not. It's taken me many years to accept this, that one day I won't just wake up and miraculously have banished those tired demons. No I think I will always probably have an element of tiredness in my life but I can cope with it. Running has helped me cope. It has given me the disciplines and structures in place to deal with the fatigue but I have to keep on moving as I know what will happen when I stop.
The M.E is the reason I started to run, it is one of the reasons I am still running but by setting myself goals and targets I have changed the main objective for my running. No longer is the primary focus to keep the M.E at bay, it is to work towards the times I’ve put up there in big shiny lights. It is to achieve those goals and to see how far I can push myself as a runner.
These targets have either been achieved or in the case of trying to get a 1.30 half just missed by 10 seconds. The misses have just made me more determined, the successes mean that new goals are set and a new version of myself has to be built to try and achieve them. With each success new targets are set and the cycle goes on, I try to challenge myself with times I'm not sure are possible.
That's how I've gone into this marathon, I’m looking ahead to what I want to achieve. That's why I've set the 3 hour goal. To just run the marathon and get through it feels like looking back, like I’m running from the M.E, doing it just to prove that the illness is no longer in control of me. I’m entering this marathon to see what I can do as a runner, to see how far I can push myself. It is about looking to the future and seeing the ghost that I want to become. Running has helped to stop my life from being dominated by M.E. I can now run for me.
Here is a link to my just giving page, raising money for Action for M.E.
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