During the race you are living on the edge of your capabilities, pushing your physical and mental limits. It’s a wonderfully intense, exhilarating and satisfying place to be. As the race goes on your perspective of time changes and a life time of emotions are condensed into the space of a few hours. It’s like you are existing in a hyper-reality, a world where you are completely in tune with your body. Your senses are heightened, you can feel every little change of pace, raise in heart rate, every nerve ending sending data to your brain. It’s the most alive you will ever be.
And then just like that it's over, everything you have been training for, everything you have been working towards, all that you have thought about for the last six months is gone. You've finished.
So what now!? What the hell do I do next?
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| Trying to get back into running again at the new Cwmbran Parkrun. Photo by Sarah Debnam |
I haven't really known what to do with myself these last couple of weeks, without the marathon to aim for and a goal to work towards I've felt completely lost. There's a huge marathon shaped hole in my life and I'm not quite sure how to fill it.
People said it would be like this, the marathon blues they called it. You spend so long aiming for one thing, concentrating on one event. You become so fixated and focused that nothing else matters. Then suddenly with the end of the race it all stops leaving you with an anticlimactic empty feeling. After experiencing such a high normal life just doesn’t quite cut it.
I hadn’t wanted to believe them. This was going to be a race like any other I thought. I would run, take my usual week or two to recover and then move on, ready to try another challenge and achieve some new goals.
It hasn't quite happened like that though.
I didn’t realise just how intense the Marathon experience was going to be, how much I was going to go beyond what I thought were my limits during the race and how it would affect me both mentally and physically. These past few weeks I have struggled to come to terms with what I have done and what I should do next. What can top a marathon?
The first answer to that was to run another marathon as soon as physically possible. I could just continue on with what I've done for the last six months, one training plan could slip seamlessly into another. After all the three hour goal was still there, I just needed to find a race that would be fast, flat and perfect for having another crack at it. As early as the massage table thirty minutes after the race I was thinking about the next one, already asking fellow runners which races they recommended. The buzz of the race still had me in its grip, I could just keep on running, I'd already done one Marathon, nothing could stop me now. For the first couple of weeks this thought got me through.
A month on and physically the aches and pains have gone however exhaustion still has me in its clutches. I've been stuck in this post marathon daze of tiredness, shattered, unable to concentrate, unable to get on with life. It’s like I’ve been on a six month long adrenaline high which has suddenly worn off. I've felt disconnected from the world around me, as if someone else is operating my body by remote control.
The reality of just what a marathon is has finally hit home. It's only now that I have come to realise just how much effort I put into that run. The further I get from the race the more I realise I just can't do that all over again this year. I've gone through the process of registering my interest for races and researching fast flat courses, but in reality I think I knew that it would be a struggle to start this all over again. I was just letting myself down gently, I struggled to admit to myself that maybe I couldn't do this all over again quite yet. With this realisation I have started to feel a bit helpless. The next marathon was going to drag me out of the hole, it was going to kick start the second half of the year but without that solid goal, a race to work towards, I haven't got anything to aim for and have been struggling to find the motivation to run when I am feeling all kinds of shattered.
Friends have said that it must be nice to have a bit of downtime, a bit of a rest for a few weeks. I would nod in agreement, hiding the fact that actually all I wanted to do was run again. I had enjoyed my training and despite all the effort and time put into the race I hadn’t wanted to stop, not even for a few days. Why would I stop doing something I love? I don't want to sit still, I spent way too long doing that. I'm stuck in limbo with my three hour goal hanging over me, all I want to do is have another crack at it. Trouble is, I just haven’t got the energy to do it.
The marathon was all about finding my limits and seeing how far I could push myself, at so many points in my training I went over those limits. I use running to help my M.E but this was going to far, the training left me tired, the race itself has left me exhausted. The past few weeks I’ve been struggling to summon up the motivation and find the adrenaline not only to run but to get on with my normal life.
I found my limits and ignored them, running way past them, leaving them on the pavement at mile twenty. I desperately want to run and carry on where I left off but in all truth I just can't, I just haven’t got the energy. It’s time to listen to my body and slow down for a while. It's frustrating but it's necessary. I hadn't wanted to admit to my limitations but if I don't then I will never learn from my mistakes and improve in the future. I will only make myself ill again.
People said it would be like this, the marathon blues they called it. You spend so long aiming for one thing, concentrating on one event. You become so fixated and focused that nothing else matters. Then suddenly with the end of the race it all stops leaving you with an anticlimactic empty feeling. After experiencing such a high normal life just doesn’t quite cut it.
I hadn’t wanted to believe them. This was going to be a race like any other I thought. I would run, take my usual week or two to recover and then move on, ready to try another challenge and achieve some new goals.
It hasn't quite happened like that though.
I didn’t realise just how intense the Marathon experience was going to be, how much I was going to go beyond what I thought were my limits during the race and how it would affect me both mentally and physically. These past few weeks I have struggled to come to terms with what I have done and what I should do next. What can top a marathon?
The first answer to that was to run another marathon as soon as physically possible. I could just continue on with what I've done for the last six months, one training plan could slip seamlessly into another. After all the three hour goal was still there, I just needed to find a race that would be fast, flat and perfect for having another crack at it. As early as the massage table thirty minutes after the race I was thinking about the next one, already asking fellow runners which races they recommended. The buzz of the race still had me in its grip, I could just keep on running, I'd already done one Marathon, nothing could stop me now. For the first couple of weeks this thought got me through.
A month on and physically the aches and pains have gone however exhaustion still has me in its clutches. I've been stuck in this post marathon daze of tiredness, shattered, unable to concentrate, unable to get on with life. It’s like I’ve been on a six month long adrenaline high which has suddenly worn off. I've felt disconnected from the world around me, as if someone else is operating my body by remote control.
The reality of just what a marathon is has finally hit home. It's only now that I have come to realise just how much effort I put into that run. The further I get from the race the more I realise I just can't do that all over again this year. I've gone through the process of registering my interest for races and researching fast flat courses, but in reality I think I knew that it would be a struggle to start this all over again. I was just letting myself down gently, I struggled to admit to myself that maybe I couldn't do this all over again quite yet. With this realisation I have started to feel a bit helpless. The next marathon was going to drag me out of the hole, it was going to kick start the second half of the year but without that solid goal, a race to work towards, I haven't got anything to aim for and have been struggling to find the motivation to run when I am feeling all kinds of shattered.
Friends have said that it must be nice to have a bit of downtime, a bit of a rest for a few weeks. I would nod in agreement, hiding the fact that actually all I wanted to do was run again. I had enjoyed my training and despite all the effort and time put into the race I hadn’t wanted to stop, not even for a few days. Why would I stop doing something I love? I don't want to sit still, I spent way too long doing that. I'm stuck in limbo with my three hour goal hanging over me, all I want to do is have another crack at it. Trouble is, I just haven’t got the energy to do it.
The marathon was all about finding my limits and seeing how far I could push myself, at so many points in my training I went over those limits. I use running to help my M.E but this was going to far, the training left me tired, the race itself has left me exhausted. The past few weeks I’ve been struggling to summon up the motivation and find the adrenaline not only to run but to get on with my normal life.
I found my limits and ignored them, running way past them, leaving them on the pavement at mile twenty. I desperately want to run and carry on where I left off but in all truth I just can't, I just haven’t got the energy. It’s time to listen to my body and slow down for a while. It's frustrating but it's necessary. I hadn't wanted to admit to my limitations but if I don't then I will never learn from my mistakes and improve in the future. I will only make myself ill again.
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| Getting out on the mountain bike at Cwmcarn, something I didn't have time for during training. |
And so the marathon limbo will continue, until I find the next challenge or sign up for the next race. It may take a bit longer than I thought but I need to be patient. The next few months are going to be about the smaller goals, I'm going to enjoy the local races, run in new places, explore some new trails and maybe have a crack at my 5k and 10k times. No longer do I have to obey the all important training plan. I'm now free, I can take the time to enjoy my running. I'm aching to do the next marathon but I don't want to run the next one because I feel I have to, I need to do it because I want to. It may take a while for me to get over the first Marathon but it sure as hell isn't going to be my last.
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